Project: a hard copy of that hard knock life

5 different chapters to be rewritten in 5 different notebooks. I'll post them as soon as im done.

She's within me

I was quite happy to see an asian grocery today. It reminded me so much of home. In long drives such as this, i just cant help but think about her. Wondering how she is. Wishing i could just see her mesmerizing eyes. Wishing i could just hold her. While we were browsing around the stores, i even made more stops at the womens section. Scouting at bags, wallets, dresses, shoes and accesories that fancy every part of her being. It just became such a routine for me everytime we go to a mall and it carried on with me up to her. Comparing this to that and imagining how this would fit into her sense of style. And the most reliable question of all for her fashion queries, "is it worth it?" The tops, dresses, skirts, rumpers, sunglasses and accessories all glues my head. I said to myself that i cant wait to go shopping for her. For the mean time i did get her a sunglasses that she had been eyeing for a quite a while now and a ring from one of her favorite stores, forever21. I cant wait to show it to her. I managed to enjoy myself with all just that. She never fails to inspire me. Even if shes not here. She's within me. I cant wait to have her back in my arms again.

saline

I never heeded her advise. But it just not her advises. Its also the things she taught me and the memories that are deep inside of me. As I was browsing Facebook I came across this picture of such a wonderful memory. When I saw that, the same thing happened all over again. I cried and cried. I remember how amazingly spectacular she is and it saddens me on what has happened to me and her. Made me miss her even more and made me realize how much i really need her. Even without her here, she still made me cry in an instant. And thats how special she is. In a snap can make me cry and let out all my emotion. And she said to me the time finally came for me that I let it out. I could not have done this without her.  My strength and my weakness. All in her. I thank you.

She gave this to me on March 22, 2011. The day i was supposed to graduate. And She had a note saying "Congratulations! I am still proud of you." And the rest was epic.

letting out

Let it all out. The fear, pain, disappointment, grudges, resentment and hate towards my own self for ruining my life. I started doing drugs when I was 16 years old. Young and stupid fresh out of high school, it started out of feeling empathy of my then closed friend's father. I didn't know what I was getting into. Little did I know from that day forward my life would fall like dominos towards disaster. Soon I was using every weekend then on the weekdays until I became to the point I was using almost everyday. Every time I have the money I would use. If I had a big test coming up I had to use. Before going to a party I had to use. Almost everything I wanted to do, I want to do it while I'm high. That was the reality of what I went through. The summer of 2008 up to Early 2010 was the peak of my drug addiction. It came to the point where I learn to do shit out of desperation such as pawning, selling or making up the most bullshit stories just to get money to use drugs. I lost money, friends and destroyed relationships among the few complications that came along with my addiction at the time. It subsided by the summer of 2010. Mainly because I was on the brink of not joining our graduation for March 2011 due to the absences I accumulated in the past year. If I wasn't using drugs I would not have had those absences. Getting stomach ulcers by age 18 and different medications to make me feel a bit normal from the beating my body just received from a very dangerous lifestyle. As the people that knew about me during the time, they described it as that it was like I'm literally killing myself slowly. Everyone noticed it. But I didn't care until crunch time rolled in for the hype of graduation. I still had enough sense in me to compensate for me to be able to join graduation. Well, for those who know me, that is not a surprise. I was still a good student amidst my addiction. I didn't fail one class my entire life. I still had good grades which helped me masked the truth from my parents. And for that fact also aggravated my addiction. I wasn't the ideal student. Skipping classes, missing assignments and requirements but barely making the passing grades by preparing and getting big scores for the exams. Which made me content and made me believe to think that I could handle this drug use well. Obviously, I was wrong. But I still had it in me to back up a bit to focus more on my studies and attending graduation. Eventually time came, that I use every now and then like once a month or so until came the month of October. I remember that was the last time I use for that year. As you all heard of, I have someone special in my heart who paved the way for my recovery. Swept me off my feet and showed me a better life. She added color to my dark life. Breathed fresh air into it and made it bright and special as she is. It was obvious how much of a change she brought into my life. I had a new outlook in life. I wanted my life to be better. Naive as I am, I thought all was well. The fact is I was still sick inside. For that time i thought i was healed and was already better off with my addiction. But I was wrong. I was too naive that I was already in too deep for that matter. I was able to say no to it and hold it off for almost 8 months. To avoid using it. When in fact, I was just a time bomb waiting to explode.  During my druggie days, every bit of emotion would be so complex and that it had just one remedy for most of the time. You had to celebrate something you get some. You are upset about something you get some more. It was a fuck up cycle. And I believe the same goes for every addict. Any bit of emotion is withhold because we are in deep denial of the problem. Every time we become fixated on an emotion it ends up to doing drugs. I reflect and ask myself why. Because I can't confront myself with the truth. It ruins you as a person. It consumes you and eats you up until theres nothing left of you. That was the real habit. Bouncing off the guilt again and again until it knocks you off. And it was such a heartbreaker when it happened. As my graduation approaches, it was getting more obvious that I would not be able to join it. You know how I say that addiction eats up the person that you are. It strike me there. Knowing the main reason that I could not graduate was because of my bad habits during the course of my college years, it came back to me again. The broken parts inside of me getting eaten up. Unable to confront the truth to everyone and more so myself. I couldn't even confront myself with it. It was too hard for me to bear. And keeping it inside of me made it even harder for everyone. I was ashamed of the person that I become that i could not even speak of it. It was an emotional turmoil. And as I read from a book about recovery, emotions are the hardest to mend in the healing process of addiction. We all know in addiction, it has to be a holistic process of healing; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. An addict just can't bear an emotion. And attach to it are the deep roots of denial which is very hard to uncover and dig up. The time came that I was using again. It was horrible. I was still being punished for not being able to graduate and was not provided with the money like before. So i resulted in pawning the stuffs at home so I could use. In the emotional mess that I was the cravings came back. Needed to get a hit to make me numb. Because honestly it didn't made me feel any better. Its obvious that it just adds up to the problem yet I still do it. Vulnerable and stupid at the time, getting myself numb temporarily was closer to do than the solution. Getting me more deeper into denial. A cowardice immature act that I have to lived with the rest of my life. The time came when everything was out in the open. Confrontations here and there. Denial stood in the way and the truth was my only out. I finally gave up rather than giving in again to denial. It was a nightmare for all of us. The tears, the hurt and the pain you could see right in front of your eyes. With the lingering fact that its all your fault. It was hard on all of us. Most especially my loved ones. I had so much trouble dealing with my emotions. It was either I act irrationally to it until I get to my senses to resolve it or to seek an escape and resort to drugs. I was a mess in most aspects of life. Fortunately, for me I had the best spiritual direction anyone can received. God is so good he placed me with the necessary instruments for my healing and recovery. My dad sacrificed it all for me. Dealing with me hands on despite his busy schedule. He would be there by my calls and would bring me back to duty. He willed me back into graduating and getting that diploma. My mother need not much to say anything to help me. Just by looking at her it was piercing through my conscience already. She was giving me tough love and all I wanted to do was hug her because i don't know what to do to take all the hurt away. And i had my girlfriend with me who was nothing but great. She stood by my side through it all and supported me all the way. She guided me along the way and help me deal with everything by talking to me or by simply being there. My family never failed to look at me in a different way. Still believing in me. God's instruments that I cannot live without. As we all know, I was going to take the board exam. In my limited to study added with juggling my battle with addiction and my review. But who I was to complain. I had to live the consequences of my actions and do with the best I have. Sadly, i had to resort to it during my review. Since it was also something I did when I prepared for exams back then. Goes to show that their was still something wrong with my thinking. It was still distorted. Though they painstakingly, move it all aside for me to prepare and review. And by all our prayers and God's grace I passed! Such a sigh of relief. Goes to show how good God is. He showed me all is not lost within me. That I still have enough to make a strong foundation to build upon. But for one, I don't deserve all the congratulations and the pat on the back just yet. Because the real victory lies in my healing and recovery. I would never see the light of day in this profession if i continue to be a drug addict. And i would not do anything to jeopardize everything we all worked hard so much for. All the pain and the hurt you have been through because of me. You know how hard it is for me to deal with confrontations. And I can't allow myself to be like that for the rest of my life. I have to accept what i have been through. Every time i try to talk about it i would just come off stuttering and crying. But not anymore. Im writing all this down because I want to face the truth. I want to confront the sad truth straight on the face. I want to say it over and over again for me to accept it. All of you still accepted who I am and believe in me that i can still become better yet I am still behind that. And i can't allow myself to be left in this puddle anymore. Pardon me that  I had to bring this up again. Bring up the pain and misery we have been through. Im writing from within me. Saying all this to each one of you the whole truth. Letting it out to convey acceptance. The truth took a very long time to be uncovered but i am not ashamed of it no more. I am sincerely letting it all out because all i want to do now is accept this and move on. As the saying goes, the truth will set you free. And I'm letting myself free. Let us all be free in this sad truth. Only in the truth will I reach acceptance. And acceptance is not that far from change. Change is what I will achieve.

cupid hit me on the head

"certain people come to your life to love you and leave you, two things, maybe because you werent able to take care of them as much as they neeed and maybe, it will make you the man youre supposed to be."


Those were her words. And I'm hanging to it for dear life. The heart wants to be with each other, the brain says we need to learn. Its easier to follow the heart and its tough to follow the brain. But as she said I needed to grow up. And I'm aware of that myself. She was right all along. I needed to take this seriously. Its not that I haven't taking it seriously but for sure there was still a lot of room for improvement. She had every right to scold me for it. I realized I just can't poke fun at this. This is my whole life ahead of me and it aint no joking matter. I got some serious cleaning up to do at my life. Getting rid of the skeletons was just one thing. Keeping the pieces that I have left is another story. Im on her side with this one. I trust her. I trust in the direction that she will lead us on our lives. And I trust my heart to seek for her. To find her. Winning her back. No matter what. Its amazing how she can read me like a book. Letting me hear it even if nothing happened yet. And lucky me to have someone like her. Someone who protects me from myself. She is entrusting me that I do my part to get better. When I hit rock bottom i lost the sense to rely on myself and which usually results to a flight of stories, lame excuses and heinous lies. Up to until now i can't believe that I did. But i have to grow up and stand up for what I did. In order to that, I have to be strong. She paved me the way for change and she's trusting me to take the wheel now. The commander got some orders and I'm going to follow it. In trusting others I will learn to trust myself again. I just hope she won't drop me like a magazine. And that she will continue reading me as we go along to write our own chapters yet still finding ourselves on the same page somehow. Its about time I get a pen and let paper hold all this weight. Or in this case blogger. Damn straight my addiction took a big part of me which made me not enough for everyone I love. I have so much to learn and so much to heal. Good thing about it now is I know where to start. God gave me the best woman to love. And I know i have to recover for me to love her as she deserves. My whole heart and my strength. Thats her. I'll do everything i can to win her back when I'm all better. Chase her like a worker bee goes back to his queen. Make my way back to her. Maybe thats why today, February 14, 2012, Valentines day started off that way for me. Cupid need not to hit me in the heart because she's already there to stay. What I needed was to sink it in for me on everything that I'm supposed to do. And so cupid got me in the head. Cupid hit me in the head.

i'll be back

18,000 feet up in the air headed to Dallas, Texas. Fortunately, i had a piece of paper with me to write on. Being seated next to strangers proved to be an advantage so I wouldn't have any distractions. On a pen in hand and unease mind with no sort of relief except of the thought that paper can hold anything. The vivid scene keeps replaying on my mind. She hugged me tight. I held her close. Right before I was to take my ride back home in Cebu, i saw her running back towards inside their house. It was so hard to think that we i couldn't see her for a few months. The best part of my day, being with her. For more than a year or since we started hanging out, we were inseparable. Everyone kept telling me everything will be alright and that its just for a short period of time. It was all to heavy to carry. Easy for them to say. It doesn't change the fact that Im going to miss her so much. I can't even start to think how much Im going to miss her. There were so many things on my mind. Afraid of what might happen. I wish i could do more. I wish this this would not have happened. But we both know we needed this. I needed to get better. I need to be better for both our sakes. Scared of all the uncertainties and what ifs on my troubled mind. One thing for sure was that, I wasn't going to let go of her. No matter what. The woman i fell in love with. She showed me that there is more to life to what I had before. She saw the good inside of me and made it grow once again. She was the catalyst to my recovery. There is more to life with her. And I want to keep it that way. In order for me to do that, I have to be better. There is nothing I want more to spend my life with her. I will miss her so much day in and day out. Marie Coleen Mabitad I will come back for you.  I'll be back.